This is going to show insight into my life and compassion for others. Implicative trigger warning: Do not proceed reading this if you're not ready to look at yourself or involve yourself in brief and intimate setting with me.
Processing something I don't understand has always been hard for me because I usually catch onto things quickly; I can easily say “yeah that makes sense. Done. Good. Filed, completed, checked, stamped, booked it, done deal.”
When I'm faced with something that doesn't make sense, I often find that I second-guess myself which I'll willingly confess has much to do with the "OG operating system" I was given from an early age, plus all the karma (work) my soul has done up till this point, right? Can't leave that out - can't give away all the credit ;)
Recently I was engaged in an interaction I thought was mutual. Turns out, that was not the case; through many signs and obvious indicators, that was not the case.
When things simultaneously and rapidly went downhill and escalated quickly, I found that I felt like I was being attacked. I responded by fleeing the situation after being told indirectly then directly that I was not welcome in that physical space for reasons that really had nothing to do with me, although this person was using me as the excuse - better term - scapegoat.
This happening is why I chose to document this experience:
The blame, guilt, & shame game does not make sense to me.
I understand it; I understand why people would use it. However, I don't see logic in it. Yes, there is logic in that behavior if that’s the only level or tool that’s accessible to that person to survive at that time. Why, though, is what I don't understand.
I’m noticing that as an adult (someone that’s not an adolescent) to have an interaction with another adult where there’s dangerous behaviors like threats, name-calling, emotional & borderline physical abuse, and poor communication like yelling, etc. shows us that there are adults willing to treat other adults like that, ultimately pointing to the fact that there are adults treating children like that.
That’s it. The most prominent point I’ll make here is that it's happening to children. There are children that are bully’s that (regardless of why) don't take responsibility for their own actions, they never have, and don't know how; for whatever reason, they’re not taking responsibility for their own actions, and they continue to use blame, shame, and guilt to avoid that responsibility, because they were treated that way. That's the standard of companionship and connection they've built for themselves so far in life.
These aforementioned people were treated poorly, the people before them were treated poorly, and it’s a cycle. Authoritarian demeanor from a person that include finger pointing, loud volume, heightened aggression and tension, puffing up are all signs that person feels threatened. Just like animal behavior 101: when an animal gets louder & bigger, they’re responding to a threat.
Please note, physiological responses to stress range on an immensely vast spectrum and are as unique as the person perceiving the stress. Common signs of stress responses are passive/aggressive tension, withdrawing, and anywhere in-between, all of which divert the person from facing the root to their actions.
Animalistic behavior in a human being is an indicator of:
fear from:
an unwillingness to take responsibility for their actions, and/or
that they were bullied early in their lives by bullies and have never/don't do anything to unhinge themselves from that toxic loop.
They do what they know by living in a loop of false, myopic vision of themselves and others.
This behavior, to bring this personal happening into perspective, is similar to the concept of how Adolf Hitler effectively communicated to massive amounts of people to massacre a demographic of people that looked just like he did, to get what he wanted through manipulation.
His followers “just did what they were told”. Was what they did wrong? Was it kind? Was it right? I'm not here to choose or convince anyone of an answer to that. All I'm saying is that it happened, and it’s still happening.
Psychological warfare isn't a body count piled up and burned, or lining streets that are ladened with blood; the air may not be filled with the stench of burning bodies. We are though walking around with emotional and psychological zombies because of the lack of responsibility, the unwillingness and incapacity to take responsibility for emotional awareness.
That is a pandemic. That is a massacre that is happening right in front of our faces, under our own noses, in our own homes.
I say this as someone that is beyond the age range of adolescent, having found myself in an inter-action with another adult where blame, shame, and guilt were applied in the place of diverted responsibility, and it's showing me that because adults are willing to talk to other adults like this, we are priming the next generation to do the same.
We are setting the children up to talk to themselves that way: to demean themselves and to demean others through negative self-talk, to use poor vocabularies with “F this" every other sentence and teaching that loud volume - as opposed to a loud concept or message - to prioritize heightened tension over deep, authentic, and powerful connection.
This FALSE TEACHING robs Life force from people that aren't here yet, and I can prove that!
Scientifically we can prove that in the womb of a pregnant woman, the cells that are making up that growing organism (especially a female human) includes the lifetime supply of eggs inside of that growing being. If there is stress, the pregnant woman's grandchildren are immediately and directly impacted by that stress.
Now, imagine compounding that - the growing baby is impacted directly by her mother's mother. That’s the baby's great-grandmother! This is measurable data; we can prove that the eggs inside of a female fetus are present inside of a pregnant woman. That is fact, and with this science we can also measure stress-related things like hormones, measuring the impact that everyday living can have on a human.
We are developing well before our physical bodies are here in present form. The quality of life we are setting in motion for ourselves & those that are to come are coming into what they’re destined to come into; they, too, have the ability to take responsibility into their own hands perse, and make conscious (or unconscious) choices and actions - to create a snowball effect of their own lives. This is what some would call the 'ripple-effect'.
I’m not saying anyone is destined for despair or destined to any sort of doom and gloom story, although people do choose that through their actions and neglect; the true superpower is knowing that there is no other moment aside from this moment to choose for ourselves.
I have said this before and will continue to say this again, again, and again: my life is accounted for. I’m not saying I'm pre-ordained to be in this alleged ‘end position’ eventually, even though there are people that say I am. I will add here: as soon as I choose and a choice is made, every other potential collapses.
“If you were supposed to, you would’ve”, and that’s why choice is so powerful: the only time you can make one is at the exact moment you choose it. You cannot make a past choice. You can't make a future choice. You can only make the choice right when you make it. You can reflect on one; you can project your awareness to a future or past moment, and while you’re doing that, you’re robbing yourself of the current moment to use it to reflect back or project forward.
What you do with your time is up to you.
Again, my life is accounted for here. Why I make conscious choices in my life is for those that are not here yet and to honor the people before me that chose to do the same. I’m here to carry that through.
The conviction that’s present in those statements cannot be robbed by anybody pretending to brain-ninja us by alluding themselves. When people attempt to intimidate us, that is a direct reflection or signpost that they are terrified, lying to themselves & asking us to believe it, too, and that they’ll do anything they can to avoid feeling their own turmoil.
If you’re anything like me, you’ve found yourself amidst people that will project their terror onto you & misuse their own power, try to take yours, and ultimately prevent themselves from moving forward. They don't know they're here to grow and are pouring lighter fluid all over their roots and lighting the match.
If you’re anything like me, anytime you've tried to point this out via softness, strength in stability, those people tend to become more heightened & derailed - more so than they already are.
I'm writing this because it helps me process the growing pains, and for the children
I’ve got my own shit to work through and also because if I’ve anything to do with what’s coming, I’m not doing it like "them". I’m just not. I’m not going to make what I’m here to do harder by doing it like everybody else.
The majority of people will say, “just do it this way; it’s easier.”
For now.
“It’s just easier to fit in.”
For now.
Maybe.
I’ve got to live for more than right now. If I only lived for right now, this world would be dry and lifeless, and if this was my last moment on earth, I’d be happy with that.
I know this message has reached you in some way or another, and that is enough for me.
Until next time,
Angela
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